Kosher Recipes (If You're a Murderer)

The Charlebois Heirloom Recipe Book:

 

Red French Meat Pie:

Ingredients:

Pie Crust, standard size.

One Can, Chicken Stock.

Two Parts, Ground Beef.

One Part, Ground Pork.

One Part, Veal.

Potatos, Chopped by Hand.

Seasoning, Chinese Red Spare Rib.

Seasoning, Celery Powder.

Instructions:

1) Simmer beef and pork together, in a pot, with water and chicken stock and celery powder and spare rib seasoning.

2) Cut veal into segments, mix, and cook in a frying pan, stirring in chopped potatos with parsley and leftover stock drained from beef and pork.

3) Mix gingerly, so as not to crush potatos, then place in pie crust, and place in oven.

4) Figure out to cook it, I don't know pie.

 

Big Mike's Burgers:

Ingredients:

One part 20 percent lean ground beef.

One part 80 percent lean ground beef.

Quarter pound of Land'o'Lakes American Cheese, deliberate brand and variety.

Scrambled eggs.

Bread crumbs.

Garlic powder.

Celery salt.

Black pepper, ground from clove.

Thyme.

Oregano.

Kaiser bread buns.

Instructions:

1) Mix two varieties of beef, with ingredients besides cheese, by washed, clean hand.

2) Place beef mix around cheese, making patties according to taste and size.

3) Cook outdoors, on a charcoal grill (gas grill will cause a brutal, violent explosion, of which you will not survive).

4) Place on buns, cheese not necessary.

5) Safety not guaranteed.

 

Forty Pound Lasagna:

Ingredients:

One turkey pan.

Enough lasagna recipe, of your own devising, to fill it.

Instructions:

1) Make lasagna for the local varsity team.

 

Hot Scrambled Salts:

Ingredients:

Whole Brown Eggs, as many as desired.

Black pepper.

Tabasco sauce, or any hot sauce or variety of spicy sauce.

Butter, for pan.

Oregano.

Thyme.

Garlic salt.

Celery powder.

Basil.

Instructions:

1) Mix all ingredients in bowl, besides butter, whipping eggs into scramble.

2) Butter frying pan, to prevent disastrous grease fire.

3) Cook eggs in frying pan, until they turn golden orange, and the smell of muted hot sauce is present, the heat on the sauce now cut and the true flavor revealed.

 

Pepper Pop Meat Seasoning:

Ingredients:

9/10ths flour.

1/10th corn meal.

Black clove pepper.

Instructions:

1) Mix.

2) Save, in jar, in cool place, to season meats with.

 

German Candied Meat:

Ingredients:

Kielbasa links.

Confectioner's sugar.

Crisco.

Spicy Mayo (sushi variety).

One refrigerator, rewired so the refrigerator unit is on a seperate cycle from freezer.

Instructions:

1) Grease frying pan with crisco and a bit of spicy mayo.

2) Slather kielbasa sausage on confectioner's sugar.

3) Cook kielbasa in frying pan, until roasted hot and the sugar turns crystal, not black.

4) Remove kielbasa, turn off heat, scrape out all sugar, before washing pan.

5) Layer and laminate kielbasa with sugar mix, as if beeting (washing red out of beet for pork spare rib mix).

6) Turn off refrigerator power but leave freezer on, leave kielbasa in refrigarator larder for 4 days.

7) Place kielbasa in broiler in oven's bottom shelf, covered in tin foil, roast in juices, serve immediately.

 

Kang and Kodoss's Guide on How to Treat People:

Ingredients:

One human female, age 20-30.

Cumin.

Cilantro.

A large amount of salsa.

A BBQ smoker.

Instructions:

1) Starve human female, until unable to defecate, offering water, not food.

2) Remove biceps while still alive, then slit throat for humane kill.

3) Season biceps with cumin and a heavy amount of cilantro base.

4) Strain bulk vegetable matter out of salsa, then dip and marinate biceps in salsa.

5) Cook the biceps in BBQ smoker, before serving, toasted hot and smokey good.

 

Prizefighter Potion Cake:

Ingredients:

Yeast.

Half cup whole milk.

Baking powder.

Confectioner’s sugar.

Kool Aid mix, your choice of flavor.

Cake tin.

Instructions:

1)     Mix whole milk and yeast together in tin.

2)     Stir at base of tin.

3)     Mix baking powder together with kool aid powder.

4)     Stir powder mix into tin.

5)     Mix with confectioner’s sugar inside tin.

6)     Bake on low heat, time and temperature variable based on success of mixture (chart own preference)

7)     Serve cold and hot (allow time for cooling, then warm up on a fry pan or baker’s griddle).

 

Guido Caliente:

Ingredients:

One pound, jumbo shrimp.

One container, cocktail sauce.

One double sized shot glass, clean.

One pack of Marlboro Reds.

Instructions:

1)     Arrange shrimp to your liking by intent of serving size, for most succulent indugence.

2)     Pour cocktail sauce, into shot glass, at top, for dipping in slow press, for maximum hydration.

3)     Arrange cigarettes and lighter, at side, preparing to chain smoke.

4)     Enjoy the rest of your day.

 

Texas Flapjack:

Ingredients:

One hamburger patty, frozen, in a box.

One bottle of hot sauce, red, to taste.

One electric griddle machine, hot and wet (clean and non-greased).

Instructions:

1)     Cook the burger patty, on the griddle machine, flipping it around, until it’s rare and brown sizzling, grizzled black.

2)     Take it off and slather it up with the hot sauce, both sides.

3)     Cook it through again, nice and stank, getting it burned and smelly, like a foot on a college campus.

4)     Put it on the plate, and eat with utensils, no bun or condiments, maybe a side of dinner rolls.

 

Sweet Corn:

Ingredients:

Morton’s Salt, mined in Israel, by blind sperm steals.

Saline butter, for juicing up a turkey.

Fresh fried popcorn, out of the “bag”, a popping machine perhaps (follow instructions carefully, not for kids, we don’t care who you are, if you think I’m insulting you, you’re right, it’s you, kid).

A hot sauce pellet dispenser (a lime, cut, dipped in ‘ointment’, olive oil and tabasco, specific brand of hot sauce).

A jar of cashews, (‘beans’, single variety, no mixed, no ‘slathers’ – oils or nut condiments or whatnot).

Instructions:

1)     Cook the popcorn up, and toss it in the saline butter.

2)     Grind the salt down on a mortar and pestle, nice and fine, very nice (yes, Borat).

3)     Dip the cut lime, into the tabasco, to build the dispenser.

4)     Squeeze the tabasco lime sauce, the ‘fruit’, into the salt, not the popcorn.

5)     Get a basking spoon (a rubber butter knife, a ‘faddle’, for cake mixing perhaps), and grease that tabasco grounder green into the popcorn.

6)     Put the popcorn on a casserole dish, with the glass hood over it, and serve at a party, with a single plate present, for cashews.

 

Shrimp Toast:

Ingredients:

One whole egg.

One quarter stick of butter (salted), not margarine or whip.

Two slices of Wonderbread white bread (non-kosher until prep).

Instructions:

1)     Break the egg, into a bowl, and pull any pieces of the egg out, with a spoon.

2)     Whip the egg, with a fork, breaking the yolk into the white, until soupy.

3)     Prepare a frying pan, on an oven (not an electric griddle, in a toaster oven, or in a stove), with the butter, until it begins to melt, not before.

4)     Dip the bread, on either side (don’t toast the bread or put it in a toaster oven, it should be as it comes out of the package), in the egg whip.

5)     Use a spatula to move the butter around on the oven griddle, and gently place the bread slices in the griddle.

6)     Flip as needed, until ‘toasted’, as in, the shrimp toast is golden brown.

7)     Collect the toast in a serving plate, and place the spoon and fork and bowl in a sink, fill with dish soap and water, and place the frying pan on top, no water poured, to cool.

8)     Enjoy with butter, no syrup or sugar or cinnamon, it ruins the taste,  That’s for pancakes or fried dough or link sausage, all three ingredients.

 

Iroquois Marital Bow:

Ingredients:

One freshly killed coyote’s rear shanks (taken from front of rear leg, outer edge).

One steam broiler, designed possibly for drycleaners, adapted to steaming meat.

One tuning fork, used to test cattle for mad cow disease.

One large butcher knife.

Instructions:

1)     Place freshly killed and carved coyote rear shanks, in pot steamer, for large industrial work.

2)     Sear steamed meat, with hot knife, while held down with tuning fork.

3)     Drip meat dry of flank steak juices, into water jar, then discard (toxic gemetria, germs).

4)     Enjoy with fork in left hand, knife in right hand, as if delmonico beef strew (not for papists).

 

Campus:

Ingredients:

Four 3.5 gram bags of marijuana, non-sprayed (scentless).

One tupperware container, for leftovers, not cooking (impossible).

Two boxes of the flavored candy of your choice, hard, same type and variety (no gummy, scentless).

Instructions:

1)     Arrange bags of marijuana, sandwich bags (non-zip), in a curled method of a Samaritan drug trader.

2)     Fill tupperware, with candy, arranging a system of flavor preference, mix, match, and track, of choice, one flavor per ‘jar’.

3)     Place marijuana bags inside, and place in a desk drawer, within clear view of any police officer searching while out of room, for ‘bribe’ (the General took over an entire floor of Van Meter, he needs to go to the hospital).

4)     Sell three bags only, per rotation, keeping one bag for the self, to avoid a ‘dro’ (a spray dealer, picking up your scent, for ‘party’, Dr. Timmy).

 

Hessian Pie (Valley Forge Variant of the York Toady)

Ingredients:

20 percent lean beef.

a pork stuffing roll ground in a batter fry whip.

a veal scrum with bread crumbs still attached and broiled.

guazo bean (the pork dumpling spice filling, for ‘wheetness’).

Pie crust at grocery store, choose fill.

Instructions:

1)     Schlack the ground beef, into the bean dip paste, the guazo, that’s been ground and mashed and put in a baked bath.  All one stage.

2)     Layer the beef cord, into the pie crust’s bottom, whole filling.

3)     Place the veal, in a diamond vivisect, as if it’s a corpse and you’re sick, and think Charles Manson did this, instead of Nixon ordering him framed, then Nixon elected, for making a marijuana policy world-wide to make him the most popular cop in prison, because Roman Polanski taught him how to put a director in his own film (Polanski’s wife, sex, impregnation, rape cry, left the house, she used the toilet, he used another toilet, came back the next day, used her toilet, now paranoid, made up with each other - now it’s Tarantino that did this).  Put that into your pie preparation, when you heat the scrum, bread crumbs attached, over a low broil, watching that scumbag burn, for putting you inside Rebel Serpico, a cop station lab now called a MUSH (you’re sick to me, Schwarzenegger, for putting Osama Bin Laden through spy school, that’s a cop, he can’t write a comic book or Scarface, that’s what you do, you’re a soldier, you had acting lessons).

4)     Now stuff the veal, inside the ‘ham’, the broth of pork stuffing, on a dumpling pucket (a Vietnamese trolley maker’s dish, someone who hams a line of pork outside the pie, to place it in, on a roll, nice and gently inside, then spread on fingers, hot and meaty).

5)     Without top on pie, nice and delicate, place on bake for an hour, or however much your finger times it, don’t trust me, do research, I don’t want you use your toilet later, this gives you diarrhea, to get your own women and wives to say “what a fag”, at you, after you use the toilet, and make you paranoid about Germans and Jewish culture at the same time, Johnny Rebel at Valley Forge.  British spies are very good at their job, they have one job their entire life, and if it fails, they have a psychotic break, and join espionage unions, called ‘action force one’, and maybe receive a toy, such as Cobra Trooper, and this pie recipe, from East Brothel London’s End, a pie bakery that fell apart because the lean was too high, not too low. Fat people get fatter this way, they don’t retain bowel mass, they have an ‘alien spork’, as Altuna calls it, in their lymph node and get paranoid of space monsters (they come, they’re police from another world, I’m dead for writing this on a computer).

6)     After baking, put a gentle cook low on the heat, and discover a piece of history, in every baked bite, not replacing the top of the pie, until it’s done, on ‘treet’, the term for a sizzled wrench.  Remember, no potato, that’s a mill bug’s penicillin, it spreads out the meat and pie so it ‘clummocks’, you can’t feel it going through you, you don’t know what German is from seeing your own head from the inside on the toilet, in the woods, or standing at a reserve line at a bath shower, in Prague (the woods outside your home, cooking a barbeque sandwich, for more, after the awnings fall off your shed, you dumb idiot Cobra).

7)     Cut into twice minions, a samberset, not an eight, but a pie cut third, on a four variance, the seven tumplet of a six bite, wide on one side, low on the other, and serve, keeping low for yourself.  Cheater’s secrets.

Blade Meat Sandwich (For Andrea Lou-Salome):

One flank cut pig steak off the rear tail of the animal, fresh and brothed.

One pie tray of pig feces, straight from a compactor in a yard, pulled in fresh pack and boiled under a heat lamp at heavy high intensity, with a strumbens train of car ‘exhaust’, a light sensor, pulled through, to detect worms (held at high premium, this dish, as a result).

Twelve gauge round of shotgun cases with a gunpowder butter beer, a salt mix from rock broth for a stun wound on a head deer at tail light case, dipped in brothel wine from a whiskey joe, a type of suzencrank megaphone in the deserts of Albania, used for a tail light casing at Seekonk speedway.

Paddy rice, the Irish variety, a low brown awful hook, grown in southern shambalas in the bayou country of cajun berrytown (the term for a crocodile hut of the Nile, inside an old stube forest, with naturally occurring rice fields, ‘The NRA’).

Orange pontrain water, of stupor’s schlack (a rainwater mix of depocate phosphate, the root pill in depocate, and a high valve wave of pine water, an old gin substitute that still flavors irish brothel whiskey).

Orange demiglaze from a largesse casserole, of cheese meal fine with breadcrumbs and dip.

Three dog trays, to college the fecal matter coming out of the grinder, and a spoon thread to remove it and sauce it back into the mix meat.

A butter cup, a type of holding pen for the meat, before placing in a plastic tray, and lidding, fresh every day or you own it, buckshot.

Instructions:

1)     Place meat on low fry under simmon’s hook, a clarkhouse hook in a haunt in Louisiana, but under German temperatures (use a brothel spice to do this, they made it impossible after the war, ‘rednecks’, because of Nietzsche having a psychotic break babbling about a man he killed, rumored to be ‘A Juwe’ (You’re getting a D), the last words spoken to Nietzsche before an ECT round muster on a mauser tause cable, a lobotomy with a brain spoon, and a paranoid amp jolt of limbs being cut off, high on heroin from a recovery round – Jack Chartley informed Nietzsche of Lou’s favorite recipe, held here, to make for her birthday, the pair already having eaten it, after Jack Chartley devised the glaze, to cover the feces (Russian bridesman training).

2)     Place a demiglaze casket on the shotgun shell itself, not the meat or feces or gunpower, a rookie trick to put it ‘up the nose’, into the cup to pour.

3)     The shotgun shell, gets pulled under the bath, permanently, one fry per cook, just waste it over and over again, you get a regular customer out of ‘Cartman’, a suggested last name for your business, and your child, if you master this, it flies off the shelves, it’s been done with veal, but never blade meat.

4)     Put the demigloss, the glaze substitute, from the pig meal from the feces, inside an intestine wrap blend, called an entrails, and wrap it around the beef stew like substance at the base of the ‘toe’, the tongue of the flap of the flank, hanging at bottom, if you know how to be a butcher and put the high on a low burn, to keep it ‘fresh’, that way it juices to a hotter bottom on the narrow, and spreads back up, for an even ‘low’, a keel to make the large piece harder to bite into unless an ‘imbecile’, a good buyer of any meat, your best friend on the cattle carn out of town.

5)     Place the entrails in a wrapping school, with the gloss and glaze, to stew, until nice and hot, and then dump all the disgusting glaze out, on a fry pan, your collecting hood of butter, listed above.

6)     Mix the entrails up and throw them out, piece by piece, with your hands, bare, unwashed, for a ‘strong scent’ (no smoking, every again once you’ve made one of these, you’ll puke your insides out for a cigarette, joint of bud, or whiskey glass, all three at once for a suicide, a ‘Stevie’, always predicted for me, if I ever learn to meat hook, nearly impossible for me to understand any cooking, my entire life).

7)     Dump the entire stew, into a mash, with a goblet, a type of pork veal meat stretch, then strain it through on a glease hook, to remove any parts and segments of ‘tail’, the pork’s juice on a stricket, a caught piece of ‘bud’, a tail end of the hooked entrails.

8)     Slice the flank, on the hook, not upside down (on the side), upwards, on a danger cut, with a cutting rag on your hand, near your face, to muzzle if you ‘flash’ (cut yourself), eyes bare, so you don’t ‘see out’ and cut yourself on the hand, ruining the demiglaze (a surgeon’s task, use an autolepsy hand if you have to, a professional mortician’s bone saber, like at Chartley Pond, he’s nearly blind from this, the butcher man Sal the Big Marne).

9)     Finally, cut and chew out the meat, yourself, in your mouth, to test if it’s ready for the glaze.  Each piece bit, on the tail end, the shortness, should be firm and perfect, as if a crisp toe, with your mouth cut, with blood, before you do it, to hide your taste, through a bleeding gum (never a meat iron, a restraining hook, or a toe eat, a thermometer, the trichonosis would be so severe you’d go down for murder without even beginning the recipe).

10)  Grind up the labial iron of the pig, which should be in the back of the snout, off the hook, into a pulverized mass, then bring it to a low simmer in your clean glaze, which ought to be orange ‘shit’ by now, like sepsis, the actual condition you’re duplicating, for a German country lady of France, actually a Russian whore on septic fuel, Nietzsche’s whore women in Germany who heard he was found of the dish.  If he ate this with them, he got a free night, but the sexual vigor put him into tremor spells, of self-loathing at having to work a prosthetics contract to make literature at a semi-regular path of plan from end to beginning and into the middle per work and segment, for the Jewish Mafia’s comic books writing formulas per ‘print’, a type of Freemason to kill, as the hero, a profession out of Judaic culture of Maccabee anti-Catholic theory to place Lutherans on a ‘rape hook’.

11)  Finally, dump it all, in a blister bath, a hot iron simmer, for three hours, no less, or you’re going to get burned, on a tail ore, the pig is going to come out ‘slime’, short for ‘Sublime’, the band’s concept, an undercooked meat sandwich, for all that work, since you were selling it to yourself or at a barbeque with friends (not family, you sick fuck, this is pig shit for a Russian whore heiress, a communist psychologist that trains men to be thugs and hooligans with every book, Andrea Lou-Salome, out of St. Petersburg, her birth city, a soviet farming supporter).  You sell this meat, at high stock, for a kinsman, that’s killed people with their bare hands, and if you sell it,, that means they have a son attached, by finance of support, that’s done the same, at least once, by eighteen, a Bohemian Rhapsody, the origin of the name (the murder of an anti-Semite for attempting to draft to the priesthood or clergy or legal profession, all three at once in consideration of retaliation).

Paddy Loaf (Base Recipe Comprisal for Meatloaf, Actual Recipe Optional):

Ingredients:

One single ‘leaf’, a length, of watermelon rind, the red meat slicked off with a carving blade and thrown away fresh, ripe, and untouched, in a garbage compactor, to prepare; this is Vietnamese-Chinese, it is the proper ritual for cooking.

A baking pan with high sides, and a broiling rack prepared, all other orifices of entry into your oven removed (the rails and trays above).

Your meatloaf slice and choice of garnish and sauce, whatever pleases you, unimportant, unless flammable, a tail hook.  This meat is a low simmer, not a hot pan dish for a funhouse dessert (you rapist, lol, j/k).

Jesus Saves.

Instructions:

1)     Pin the the watermelon rin on a wet plastic cloth, on a traditional home kitchen counter with brown cabinet and leaflet windows, near the sink, with a curled orifice leading down to a drip towel, from the kitchen, not the bathroom, meant for your child, that you will never have, since you have found Buddhism, a combat warrior’s form of misdirection to gain what you want.  The child, will be discarded, for the man, or the woman, into the warrior, much as the wet red shell you have launched into the garbage for the dog to laugh at, crying for its snack, delicious meatloaf.  It knows you have prepared.

2)     Cut the very inner edge of the rind out, without touching skin, impossible with a paring knife from the grocery store, kept at your disposal for this, and to urinate through a dildo, to keep a pace for fighting in the dark with daggers, as a woman.  This is not a man’s recipe.  This is for a woman that plans on killing you, if you speak Chinese around her.  She speaks English perfectly fine, she invented your lesson textbook.  She’s making fun of you otherwise.  Especially if ‘Jewish’, a high whine, he thinks you’re smarter than him, or she is prepared to have sex with you, through a man’s asshole, she wears red panties, she’s a rapist.  Snitch her out immediately, to become Barnesy the Dinosaur, a magical strider bug.

3)     After you get a small amount of rind together, save the watermelon whole, for your dog’s serving dish.

4)     Slather the rind back and forth, with your paring knife, gently and delicately, until it’s flattened and wet.

5)     Mix it with a red sauce, a demiglaze bought at the store, the foreign foods section, Mexican, not Chinese, they use it at the Chinese restaurant.

6)     Once you’re done, apply it to a ‘rice fit’, on your meatloaf as stew, at whatever stage you prefer, as your crust.

7)     Place a slice for the dog, a slice for yourself, and the rest for your child.  He gets all of it, he was racist to a man selling him watermelon, otherwise he’s fired, he has to convert to Buddhist Ninpo, a sex starved maniac selling records in a store.  Report a dollar bill heist, to a bank, with the description of your husband, the man you can’t have, because he doesn’t like red panties.  The rest will come together.